![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
I need to vent, and this one just stirrs up bad energy.
hjvfjvewfjvewf
so things have been rough,
but they smoothed out.
i kind of resented everything at the beginning of the school year.
now it's all kind of falling into place.
i'm understanding everything better than i thought i would.
i've figured out who my real friends are.
and even if i act like you are one, you're probably not.
haha.
i've gotten bitchier, but i'm using that to my advantage.
sdhfhdevfhjewf
the past few fridays have been purely amazing.
i LOVE my best friend.
(i'm not talking about COURTNEY though ya sickos, i don't swing that way)
he's everything i've wanted.
i've known him since we were little
and he's ALWAYS been there for me.
he listens to me.
and vice versa.
he'll do anything to see me laugh.
and we'll stay out till almost 3 driving around and talking and laughing.
i LOVE this boy.
i AM POSITIVE that he's what's been in front of my face this ENTIRE time and i haven't even noticed it.
bhefhwefvevfwjvewf
gawd.
it's bittersweet.
- Mood:
indescribable
...losing feelings here.
...
I Hate that.
I can't even describe how inconsolable I feel.
Unless something happens soon, I think I'll have to settle with something else.
:/
- Mood:
crappy
:/
My sleeping pattern's all fuqqed up.
I'm an emotional mess because of this summer.
It's been good and bad.
So, I won't look at it as a waste.
[:
Chris moved to California..
then he moved back.
[:
What's weird is that we've liked each other for OVER a month and a half and still aren't dating.
Well, most of that time, he was in Cali, so it's understandable.
I wouldn't have wanted a long distance relationship.
Neither did he.
But now that he's back, I don't know what's going to happen.
Hopefully something good.
[:
A few days before he told me/decided he was moving back, he had said he could see us together and having fun.
And that it'd be a pretty good relationship.
dsghgfhjf
Which is why I'm so anxious that he's back.
I mean, it's wonderful.
Like a blessing, but at the same time I'm scared.
Cos I remember how it was with Jerry [even though it was different because of the distance] and how much time I put into him.
I had put so much time into him, that I kind of blocked out everyone and everything else.
3 months just gone.
I don't really regret it because it made me realize I could open up to someone more than I thought.
But after he broke up with me, I just felt all this resentment towards him.
Almost like a Hate.
And I'm just scared that if Chris and I date or have a relationship, that something like that will happen and I'll end up Hating Chris.
:/
I don't want that.
But I also don't want to not give it a shot, you know?
He actually gives me butterflies everytime I talk to him.
I dunno.
Jerry never really gave me butterflies.
Or Vincent.
Or anyone else.
Which is why I find it interesting.
I like him a lot.
I'll admit that.
sgdhjdghjsd
I just don't want to get hurt.
Which is an honest thing to ask.
Wouldn't you agree?
Ah, also,
When I found out that Sam had liked him, I felt horrible.
Cos I didn't know.
But at the same time I couldn't help it.
But, I know she knows what it feels like..
because she likes Jerry and he likes her.
And honestly, it did set me off at first.
But then I did realize that you really can't help who you like.
It's just there.
Which is why I'm scared.
Or anxious.
But excited.
I don't know how to describe it.
Hopeful I guess is a better way to put it.
I just hope everything goes alright with Chris.
That's my main anticipation right now aside from school.
BUT, I do need to concentrate on school if I want to keep that scholarship.
Noone else is going to build my future except for me.
And I know that through and through.
Hopefully these last two years of high school go pretty smooth.
No big bumps. Haha.
- Location:My feet are cold.
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:Circa Survive- "In Fear And Faith"
in some weird way.
idk.
it just pisses me off that some people have changed so much they don't even know who they are anymore.
or when people say they want to hang out or make plans, when you know for a fact that they'll never come through.
i HATE that.
or how everyone's turning on each other for other people they hardly know.
what happened to "besties for life" and shit like that?
don't tell me you're my friend, when all you do is treat me like an enemy.
fuck this summer and all that it's brought.
well.
no, that's not true.
There have been some good that's come out of it.
Like some people I've met and whatnot.
I like THAT.
but somehow and in most ways, it's only brought a lot of negative shit.
SHIT THAT I DON'T NEED.
I don't trust people anymore.
I think that's my fault.
The people I choose to befriend are mostly all people I probably won't ever open up to.
Or trust completely, because in one way, I know they'll always screw me over in the end.
it never fails
or do something that completely throws me off my mind set.
and I'm always feeling so insecure about myself around my other friends, or "friends" whatever.
more like paranoid that they're gonna come and give me shit.
or take something from me and just completely KILL my pride.
asjdghgdf
I've had enough of that go on this summer.
I sure as hell don't need more.
And I've noticed, that if I need to, I'm not afraid to speak my mind.
But that's only when I need to.
It's like, the more I try to stay true to myself, the less my friends are willing to stay true to me.
Or the faker they get.
I have no idea anymore.
I know who my real friends are.
I'm also afraid that the people I have now, like the friends I've made and people I know...I'm afraid that I'm going to wind up Hating them in the end.
But I just wish I could do something about the rest.
Or the people I've pretty much lost along the way.
But then again..
I compare how much they've changed.
And how much I've changed, and I know nothing would ever be the same.
I think I like it that way..
even if it's heartbreaking.
I guess I'm just done with most of everyone I knew last year.
- Mood: aggravated
like..
idk.
relationships that ended up turning into something less than anything at all.
like jerry.
I Loved that boy.
..but I wasn't IN Love.
I think it's because I never knew the real him.
I'm kind of glad I didn't.
But then again I'm not.
I confuse myself.
But on the other hand, I met this boy named Chris.
[the one in the two posts before this]
and idk.
It's funny because he has all the same thoughts and views on everything.
And when we talk I just basically agree because there's nothing to argue with.
hahaa.
I guess I'm just so used to arguing with people..
Or like..
expressing MY opinions on things that it feels weird to meet someone that DOESN'T object.
ha.
dang.
Now that he moved though, I don't think I could have a "relationship" with him though.
Not unless we both put ourselves into it.
But I doubt that'll happen.
I'm scared of a long distance relationship.
Like the one I had with Jerry.
It's just a formula for disaster.
I KNOW I'll end up getting cheated on or something.
hahahaha.
yikes.
idk.
I'm glad I'm getting to know Chris anyways.
[:
And I'm thankful for that.
I still have two years of highschool left that I have to worry about!
D:
I wish it were less.
haha.
Hopefully it'll fly by fast.
In other news, my mom's wanting to move to Austin.
She said she doesn't know when, because she kind of wants me to finish school here [plus, I have that ASU scholarship waiting for me here, too..can't throw that away]
I don't know if I want the ASU scholarship though.
I mean, it's a nice offer, but I'd feel like I was just settling for something.
I don't want that.
I don't want to end up living here for the rest of my life.
Or end up staying any longer than I have to.
I think Austin, San Antonio, or San Diego would all be really nice choices for colleges.
[and no, not just Chris is in San Diego is that the reason I want to go]
I want to actually go to an art school.
Photojournalism is my thing.
I want to pursue that.
Better myself.
Be something that exceeds the limit.
[:
I think my mom thinks that I'm just going to up and leave her though.
D:
she doesn't want me going to california, or anywhere than here or austin.
which is kind of selfish.
it's not her life, yanno?
but she's a mom and she has a right to worry.
I think she sees the way my brother is always leaving to go stay with my aunt every chance he gets, and she wants to hang onto me.
I can understand her having that fear that I'll do the same thing, but to do that would aslo be selfish to myself.
I wouldn't just leave her.
Even if I did, it wouldn't be for very long.
I'm eternally indebted to my mom.
I won't let her stay anywhere she doesn't need to be.
anyways.
in general I'm just glad that I'm almost done with highschool and out of this town..
but a lot can change in two years.
That's a fact I'm willing to face.
- Location:yermah.
- Mood:
complacent - Music:circa survive [:
I thought it'd be impossible and improbable.
BUT DAAAANG.
I was wrong.
[:
I started off hanging out with Chris and Brandon.
:D
and we went to the mall [which was pretty lame except for the company ;D] and then I bought Brandon food from chic-fil-a.
I tried eating, but I can't eat when I'm tired.
I only got 3 hours of sleep.
haha.
But I got to talk to Chris before he left.
[:
which was pretty nice.
We share similar views on a lot of things.
Like Dragon Ball-Z.
ROFL.
and how laaame it is.
But anyways, that was the best part of the day.
Then I got to kick it with Brandon here until about 6ish, lol.
&& he took new pics, haha.
Then Sara and her madre picked me up and we went to IHOP and from there [after getting a free meal, which was probably the first full meal of my day] we went to this show at Grahams.
I've never been into a bar/nightclub that big before.
LOL.
The bartender almost served us DRANKS.
;D
but anyways.
We just HAD to leave during the last band [which was probably the best band of the night :o] and then I came home.
And talked to Brandon.
And Poe.
And now I'm here.
haha.
I think I need to go to bed.
eeee.
I wish God didn't tease me so much.
:/
wegfewtudfeuwf
but yea.
These past two days have been rad.
[:
- Music:Circa Survive
dayumnnnn.
[:
That was amazing.
I got pics.
and all their sigs.
except for one.
THE ONE I WANTED TO GET IN THE FIRST PLACE.
urgh.
oh well.
haha.
I also got to hang out with Anber, Daniel and Mario.
[:
fun stuff.
we went to the horseshoe out at the lake.
but none of us were dressed to swim except Anber, paha.
so we just kind of left after we saw this guy get arrested.
he seemed happy about it...
hahahah wtf.
and then we went to the mall, only to find that it closed at 6.
LOL.
so then we went to Wing Stop and met up with Brandon and Chris. :DD
and then we went to Hastings.
[:
and talked and stuff.
erhjvfjfejw
it was a blast.
<3
then anber, mario and daniel wanted to go to the stadium to see the afters and fireworks (i did too)
but chris and brandon had to leave.
:/
LAME.
ah well.
I get to hang out with them tomorrow.
:DD
heh.
the afters were really good.
oh man.
that's probably one of the biggest bands to have come to san angelo.
the drummer tried striking up a conversation about how he saw me in the front of the audience and how he liked my shirt and the band on it and whatnot, but i had to go.
haha.
aw.
then we went to sonic and got mario and daniel some food.
LOL.
and then here we are.
yeaaa.
[:
i'm fixing to get to bed so i can wake up BEFORE 9 tomorrow.
lol.
- Location:BOOM BAM FIREWORKS!
- Mood:
enthralled - Music:Yeah Yeah Yeahs- "Honeybear"
Mkay, so what have you guys missed?
Let's go through a quick skim over what has been happening lately.
Ha.
Here goes:
Jerry and I decided after about a week or so after we started talking, to just start dating.
There was no questions, we just jumped into it.
It lasted about 3 months.
Then he went to church camp for about a week.
I knew something was going to change.
Something bad was about to happen.
I was confirmed a week later when he broke up with me.
To "put God first again".
Because obviously he couldn't do that with me in his life.
Anyways, I find out about a week later, that THAT wasn't the entire case; there was another girl he had been I guess messing with at church camp.
CHURCH CAMP.
C'mon now.
If he didn't want to be with me, he should have just said something then, instead of making me wait a week in anticipation.
But it was kind of a good thing..
Because during that week, I distanced myself.
From him anyways.
It felt so weird.
Different.
But I got used to it, and it helped (sort of) after he broke it off.
Anyways.
Since then (which has only been 3 weeks) he has been talking to two other girls.
Putting Christ first huh?
What a lie.
What a sin.
I wonder if he lied about "Loving" me too.
If you could even call it that.
I honestly don't know.
3 months, wasted.
3 months thrown away like a piece of trash on the highway, tossed aside.
And that's how I've been feeling lately: like a piece of trash.
My self-worth has completely plummetted.
It's nearly diminished.
With the exception of Friday night last week with Josh and Brandon, when I noticed how adorable Brandon's friend was.
But..I bet that guy gets that all the time.
He liked my music.
And knowing that someone liked something about me, made me feel magnificent again.
Too bad he leaves in two days for California.
I really would have liked to have gotten to know him better.
It seems like God's toying with me lately.
What did I do, that was so horrible?
Or is it something he saving me from and/or for?
What are his intentions with my life?
I don't know.
I think I finally figured out what I want to do with my life, career-wise anyways.
Ya ready for it?
...
Photo-journalism.
I thought about it, and thought, "Well...it combines the things I Love (photography/journalism) all into one...so, why not give it a go.."
Plus, they get to travel around, and see the world; something I want to do more than anything.
And then maybe one day after it's all said and done, come back to Texas and live in Austin.
Or hell, with my luck, I'll probably end up back in this hell-hole of a town.
But, as much as I Hate this town, I Love the people here.
Crazy, huh?
Call it irony, call it karma, call it whatever you want.
Nothing phases me anymore.
I think I've gone whack.
One moment I'll feel as numb as ice, and then the next I feel overjoyed with something else noone could possibly feel.
Maybe it's the lack of sleep from my whacked up sleeping summer patterns..
I'm not sure of anything anymore.
I'm not sure of myself.
I wish I could be, but that'd be like asking to see air.
You just can't.
I know a few things though:
I know it hurts to think about him.
I know he's hurt me, by lying to me.
I know that if I could, I'd try to do something right.
I know if I keep thinking lowly of myself because of this, it's going to ruin me.
But I know I won't let it.
But then I also know, that if I had the chance to do it all over again..
Without a moments hesitation.
That's how much he still means to me.
Even if he doesn't care anymore.
- Location:Was that a wrong turn? Woops.
- Mood: discontent
- Music:Dallas Green- "Save Your Scissors"
idk.
i was in a really crappy mood and i guess i just felt like taking it out on myself.
ha.
so lately, things have been going pretty good.
i met this really cool guy named Jerry. :P
and he pretty much is just what i needed right about now. (:
the only thing is, he lives in kerrville.
:/
p00p.
but, i'm sure i'll see him sometime soon.
:3
hehe.
today's botb.
so i'm going to thattt.
good music.
good people.
need i ask for more?
o:
anyways.
i'm supposed to be in the shower.
so i guess i'm gonna go do that.
bahahaha.
&&molly: thanks for the comment on my last post. it made me feel a lot better. <3 (:
it feels pretty nice.
nicer than usual.
i'm dreading going back to school tomorrow though.
ick.
mmm.
i'm content with most things.
most things except the way i look.
i look at my pictures, and it grosses me the FUCK out.
idk.
maybe i'm just not very photogenic.
or maybe i just always do it wrong.
i'm a fatass.
i don't think that'll ever change.
ew.
- Location:jkdfkwbhhwr
- Mood: crappy
- Music:Three Days Grace-"Wake Up"
she really is.
i admire her.
for her courage and ability to keep faith going stronger than ever even when having faith seems like the most ridiculous of things to have.
in case you don't know who she is, she's a survivor of the rwandan holocaust.
and she wrote down her experiences about it and the war in her book, which was a reason why i got to see her tonight.
(:
she signed my book and gave me three hugs.
and then, started talking to me about God, and all His wonder; and that you can't go wrong if you have faith.
there was like, a glow to her.
it was amazing.
life altering.
she has courage.
josh walked with me to 2nd period yesterday instead of usually running off to his.
and we got to talk.
not for long, but it was probably the most time we've talked like that one on one since maybe summer.
mikhail and i are okay again.
turns out it wasn't even my fault.
patricks' coming down for summer.
w00t w00t!
we went out and bought guitar hero II last night.
been playing it ever since.
courtney and i are good.
bffl's till the end man.
my aunt and uncle are FINALLY moving out.
but my cousin and her son are moving in.
but it's okay.
i might get my dog back. (:
spring break's right around the corner.
(FINALLY)
and school is almost fine'!
so, life's PRETTY damn good.
minus some few minor things.
but hey, everything has to have flaws.
but thank god they're not too big.
(like my geeky new bangs. yeesh. i DID NOT want them as short as they are. :/)
but yea.
everything peachy.
haha.
Josh and Brandon let me down.
AGAIN.
we were supposed to hnag out at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight.
kind of a remake of back during summer.
but.
instead they don't show up.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE PLANS FUCKING FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM!
shit.
gawd, i'm so mad.
PISSED would be more the word..
ha. :/
and i rarely cuss when i'm not angry anymore. (yay! good thing)
so, at least THAT'S an accomplishment.
ya know?
mmm..
and then there's this thing with mikhail.
i don't know why, but i'm pretty sure he Hates me.
i guess i can deal with that, cos maybe i deserve to be Hated?
but..
i didn't want it to be by mikhail.
that's the one and basically ONLY thing i think about: what the hell did i do??
i just wanna know.
and then he can go on Hating me.
but, i'm sure he has a reason.
it's just depressing me that he won't tell me, much less even talk to me anymore.
it's killing me.
and driving me INSANE.
mikhail, if you read this..
would you PLEASE, just PLEASE..
tell me what i did wrong.
maybe i can't fix it.
or maybe i can?
but whichever way, TALK TO ME ABOUT IT!
don't just blcok me out.
or smudge me out of your life.
you have NO IDEA how much being friends with you meant to me.
honest.
and it's just shredding me to pieces that i don't know what's wrong with you.
or me.
:/
i dunno.
i just hope you read this.
- Location:blue cars
- Music:dishwalla
Uhmmm.
mkay.
winter break was pretty good.
i got clothes, jackets, a necklace, shopping money [100 bucks :D], a coffee mug [..i like cocoa?haha], and some other stuff.
courtney spent basically all of break over here.
pretty rad.
[:
but then again, she basically lives over here anyways..
soo..
yea.
mmm, vincent and i got close again during break.
and now, i would consider him a REALLY close friend.
although, since then, we've talked about getting back together, but nothing's happened.
and then yesterday, we talked about it again.
he told me, that he likes me, alot.
and that he wouldn't mind going back out with me, but that he's fucked up on me too much.
and that i "can do better".
honestly, i DON'T want better.
i don't.
just don't.
i want HIM.
and i know he's fucked up on me...more than enough, but at least he's honest and admits it.
he knows what he did wrong.
and i like that he's willing to admit it.
and if you're open to someone, you SHOULD be able to forgive them, AND their mistakes.
otherwise, who are you kidding?
holding grudges is a waste of time, and if they're willing to learn from their mistakes, why not hold them to it?
i Hate it when he's down or hard on himself.
no matter WHAT the ordeal.
i don't want to see him like that.
=/
and it's weird, because, i honestly truly want to help him.
more than i want to help myself to anything else.
crazy, huh?
i care about him a heck of a lot.
i hope he realizes that.
...
i should've just told him all of that to begin with, last night.
oh well.
i guess there's always going to be an opportune moment again..
?
wish me luck.
- Location:2 blocks down from your nearest convenient stoor.
- Mood:
anxious - Music:Jupiter Sunrise
"Frame by Frame"- The Honorary Title
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<small>
so..
school's been nice.
today i think i hurt my best friend's feelings though..
i honestly didn't mean to, it was a wise-crack at her not having any water, and she got pretty angry at me; low blow, i know.
i apologized over and over.
she forgave me.
but yea..
uhhhmmmm.
we had our orchestra concert yesterday!
we did pretty dayum good too.
i was proud.
[:
i think i'm starting to like this one boy again..
but i can't ever tell with him, ya know?
i've liked him since..
pfft, april?
spring break.
crazyyyy.
D:
but yeaaa.
i doubt he feels the same, otherwise he would have done something..
i guess.
i could say the same for me..
and he's honestly liked everyone BUT me.
that is the one thing that ticks me off.
or at least..
he's never come right out and said it to me.
=/
urgh.
oh well..
i'll put that aside for now.
hmm..
what else is there to say?
o:
progress reports are a piece of p00.
honestly, it's amazing how one bad grade can bring your grade down a whole entire ten points.
]:
i'm not passing french though.
stupid huh?
i guess i need to actually start turning in my work instead of just doing some and stuffing it in my binder.
but i swear..
that class is add.
aha.
i mean, seriously.
blaaaaaaah.
uhmmm.
errr...
eee! john's coming down for christmas break [:
so that's a plus to this break we're getting; i haven't seen him in ages.
depressing.
]:
hum.
that's all for now!
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<small>
so..
school's been nice.
today i think i hurt my best friend's feelings though..
i honestly didn't mean to, it was a wise-crack at her not having any water, and she got pretty angry at me; low blow, i know.
i apologized over and over.
she forgave me.
but yea..
uhhhmmmm.
we had our orchestra concert yesterday!
we did pretty dayum good too.
i was proud.
[:
i think i'm starting to like this one boy again..
but i can't ever tell with him, ya know?
i've liked him since..
pfft, april?
spring break.
crazyyyy.
D:
but yeaaa.
i doubt he feels the same, otherwise he would have done something..
i guess.
i could say the same for me..
and he's honestly liked everyone BUT me.
that is the one thing that ticks me off.
or at least..
he's never come right out and said it to me.
=/
urgh.
oh well..
i'll put that aside for now.
hmm..
what else is there to say?
o:
progress reports are a piece of p00.
honestly, it's amazing how one bad grade can bring your grade down a whole entire ten points.
]:
i'm not passing french though.
stupid huh?
i guess i need to actually start turning in my work instead of just doing some and stuffing it in my binder.
but i swear..
that class is add.
aha.
i mean, seriously.
blaaaaaaah.
uhmmm.
errr...
eee! john's coming down for christmas break [:
so that's a plus to this break we're getting; i haven't seen him in ages.
depressing.
]:
hum.
that's all for now!
- Location:mi casa!
- Mood: anxious
- Music:AFI [randomnnn]
-The Vincent Black Shadow
aha.
mmm, I can't wait till christmas breakkkkkkk
I need to make plans with some peeps!
anddd then rest.
aha.
it's gonna be like a mini summer vacation.
only colder..
aha.
uuhhhhhh!
yea
I'll update more later.
[:
- Location:hoooome
- Mood: calm
- Music:tbvs
and soon.
I'm going to lose something if I don't.
I don't know what that would be, but I know if I keep going the way I'm going I might end up lost.
Maybe I should re-new my faith in some people.
or do something I wouldn't normaly do.
I need to change somemore.
because at this rate I don't think I'm getting anywhere.
or maybe it's just that season? where you just feel kinda stuck?
hmmm...
idk.
I don't think I should live in the past quite so often either..
hmmm..
- Location:Home
- Mood:
cranky - Music:Jack's Mannequin
during thanksgiving break..
things got a hell of a lot better with Vince and me.
we were I guess "back together" in a way..
and then..
saturday/sunday morning rolls around..
and wow.
things were..
amazing.
I was actually happier than I had ever been.
ever.
then...
he leaves.
and doesn't call.
until wednesday night after I had pestered him a bit.
and he tells me that saturday didn't mean anything.
ouch.
hurt like hell much?
yea.
so now..
I basically hurt everytime I see him.
I want revenge, but, I'm not too keen on being mean.
I'm NOT a mean person.
unfortuantely.
blahhh!
anyways.
I Hate him..
maybe.
but there's still something there I wish I could change..
I wish I knew what I did wrong.
because I'm at a loss to know what it was I did.
because..
he just..
dbgfdgfugj
long story.
anyways.
besides that asshole.
school has been great.
sydnee and i apologized.
because vince wasn't anywhere near worth causing all that drama.
so now we're neutral i guess..
things won't be the same, but at least we won't want to punch each others faces in everytime we see each other, lmao.
i'm passing all my classes and am getting wayyyy better in orchestra.
I moved up a chair in the first violins.
[big accomplishment, because now I'm 3rd [: and the two guys in front of me are really amazing violinists]]
errrr....
christmas is right around the corner.
[:
i'm kind of excited.
but idk if i'll get anything i want.
i guess i just have to pray, haha.
mmm...
well
I need to get some sleep
soooo..
I'm gonna end this.
i'll update more soon.
and this next time i won't take a month, haha.
- Location:gjfhgfgh
- Mood:
confused - Music:augustana
